Now it’s time to put pen to a poem
About someone who caused me great pain
He’ll know that this poem is all about him
To crib from Carly Simon, he’s quite vain

But I’ll refuse to name exactly who it is
That’s a secret I’ll take to my grave
At least when writing poems for the public
Because it’s attention that he seeks to crave

I’m sure everyone knows just who it is
At least among some I call my closest friends
So I want to be very, very, VERY careful
Because I don’t want those relationships to end

If you really want to know just quite why
This fellow has turned out to be my nemesis
Well, you’d have to hear my side of the tale
And for that, we’d have to go back to its genesis

I once read in public at a reading series
That I was at with my common law wife
I thought she might be someone quite special
The kind of girl I might hold onto for life

But he interrupted me so brashly and loudly
And became a drunken homewrecker
As much as I hate to admit to anyone else
He made some jokes about the size of my pecker

I’m not really quite sure if this guy
Knows exactly the damage he had done
But my wife decided that going to readings
Wasn’t all that very much exciting and fun

She simply couldn’t stand it one bit
When he made fun of her man in the open
She never went to another reading again
Change her mind, as much as I was hopin’

So can’t everyone see the major problem?
This could have been the beginning of the end
Of a relationship I had with a woman
Trying to forgive him feels like pretend

And that’s the reason I wrote letters
To newspaper editors in alienation
It really wasn’t any of his business
To spout off his verbal masturbation

Now, I have to somewhat worry
That if I performed any new poetry
Would I still be something of a target?
And would he go after not only me?

Lately, I’ve been having some thoughts
About publicly reading again out loud
Some about a girl I’ve been giving some thought to
Because I’d want to make her feel really proud

But would this boor suddenly swoop in and
Destroy everything I’m building toward?
You know, it’s not like I’ve ever pointed out
All the women he’s pierced with his sword

I know I’m not going to get an apology
I’m never going to be told that he was sorry
But even though I threatened to beat him up
I wish people could see my side of the story

I know I’ll just have to ignore and forget him
I’ll have to put away the set of boxing gloves
But I really hope for everyone’s sake
That he won’t attack any of my latest loves

The only thing I guess I can wish for
And I write this with a scream and a shout!
If he doesn’t really like hearing my poetry
That he would be a man and just go and step out


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Zachary Houle

Book critic by night, technical writer by day. Follow me on Twitter @zachary_houle.